Because I wasn't human, and I was hungry. And I had to feed my...
[He pauses and taps his fingers against his collarbones to calm down.]
My partner was trapped. Too big to get out of one of the caves. I was smaller, so I'd go hunting and bring back the body to feed him after I drank the blood. Whatever he didn't eat, I'd finish.
It was my fault he was down there with me. It never should have happened.
So. I just... wanted to be punished for that most of all.
[ Her expression falls, losing some of the warmth in her eyes. Gaze lowered, the teacup she'd picked up for a sip is placed back on the table, both hands resting on her lap, one over the other. ]
Were you aware of what you were doing the whole time?
[ The seriousness of Iggy's actions is reflected in her tone, like there's a wrong answer. ]
[He has to think about that, cast his mind back to the caves. When he speaks, it's slowly.]
Sort of. I don't not remember any of it, it's not like I blacked out or anything. I definitely was awake and thinking, but not thinking like I am right now. Everything was a lot more simple. It was just like... I can't remember making a conscious decision to do something abhorrent. I just did it, because it felt necessary for survival.
But I remember it all. And I know I was more with it than my partner.
[ She listens, remains quiet for a moment longer. With a deep, careful breath, Robin continues, peaceful, assuaging any possibility of Iggy thinking he's being condemned. It sounds compassionate, in fact, just like she was taught to do with her brothers and sisters. ]
You should atone for your actions, Iggy. But deciding your own punishment isn't the way.
[ She makes it sound so simple, yet the gentleness in her voice is meant to be encouraging. Finally, she extends her hand over the table, offering to hold Iggy's if he needs some warmth, something to anchor him before his mind starts spiraling. ]
[ She rubs her thumb over his knuckles for a moment. Patiently, Robin gets up without letting him go to make her way to where he's seated, brings his head close to her middle for an embrace. Like a mother and her inconsolable child. ]
Fear is the beginning of every journey, Iggy. It's no stranger to you.
[ Being afraid. Conquering that fear, devouring it to become something terrible and new.
There could be no love without it. Mother made sure her children never forgot that. ]
It will hurt. But know this: what you did isn't unforgivable. Hiding behind indecision and inaction is.
[Iggy feels no shame in pressing his face to Robin, no embarrassment in his tears. It's the first time since he's been back that he feels genuinely like someone understands his feelings. Even the others who were in the caves don't seem to, or to know what he needs.]
Yes. You're right.
[He hugs her tight before he lets go and wipes his eyes.]
I can do this. It's the right thing to do.
I'm not used to hurting people. Death I understand, but physical pain like I inflicted? Not so much.
[ It's such a perfect situation for her; she couldn't have asked for a better person to open up to her and show gratitude for what she has to offer. With a caress down the back of his head, Robin leans down to cup his face and wipe his tears with her thumbs. After a moment, making sure they're looking at each other — seeing each other — she closes the distance to kiss him on the cheek. ]
I know. [ One more gentle touch before she lets go and moves back to her seat. ] It's sad, but pain is a part of life. Even those of us who abhor it are at the risk of hurting others.
[ She's quiet for a moment. ]
What was it that you told me once? 'The mind of the all is the womb of the universe'?
I think about it sometimes. [ She needs something to do with her hands, so she lifts the teacup again. ] That it means we're all in this together. [ For better or for worse. ] For me, at least.
I think that we are. Together, I mean. It's... when we came back from the caves, I tried to apologise to the Duchess on behalf of all the Void Touched. She told me that we'd made it very clear that we are not unified.
That was pretty depressing to hear. But I still think that like it or not we are bound by what we are.
I guess so. I don't really know much about people, though. Not unless it involves sex or death. The rest of life is a mystery to me.
Yeah. I dunno. I feel like... I was in a selfish place before I got here. And now I try not to be like that, but it never seems to be enough. I suppose we should strive to be balanced.
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Why did you hurt them, Iggy?
cw: more cannibalism wahoo
[He pauses and taps his fingers against his collarbones to calm down.]
My partner was trapped. Too big to get out of one of the caves. I was smaller, so I'd go hunting and bring back the body to feed him after I drank the blood. Whatever he didn't eat, I'd finish.
It was my fault he was down there with me. It never should have happened.
So. I just... wanted to be punished for that most of all.
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Were you aware of what you were doing the whole time?
[ The seriousness of Iggy's actions is reflected in her tone, like there's a wrong answer. ]
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Sort of. I don't not remember any of it, it's not like I blacked out or anything. I definitely was awake and thinking, but not thinking like I am right now. Everything was a lot more simple. It was just like... I can't remember making a conscious decision to do something abhorrent. I just did it, because it felt necessary for survival.
But I remember it all. And I know I was more with it than my partner.
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You should atone for your actions, Iggy. But deciding your own punishment isn't the way.
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[Honestly he's relieved to be told that he did wrong, that he needs to pay for it.]
Then how?
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[ She makes it sound so simple, yet the gentleness in her voice is meant to be encouraging. Finally, she extends her hand over the table, offering to hold Iggy's if he needs some warmth, something to anchor him before his mind starts spiraling. ]
Then ask them how you can earn their forgiveness.
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You're right. It's so obvious, that's what I should have done immediately, but...
[He starts crying.]
I was scared. God forgive me but I was s-so scared.
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Fear is the beginning of every journey, Iggy. It's no stranger to you.
[ Being afraid. Conquering that fear, devouring it to become something terrible and new.
There could be no love without it. Mother made sure her children never forgot that. ]
It will hurt. But know this: what you did isn't unforgivable. Hiding behind indecision and inaction is.
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Yes. You're right.
[He hugs her tight before he lets go and wipes his eyes.]
I can do this. It's the right thing to do.
I'm not used to hurting people. Death I understand, but physical pain like I inflicted? Not so much.
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I know. [ One more gentle touch before she lets go and moves back to her seat. ] It's sad, but pain is a part of life. Even those of us who abhor it are at the risk of hurting others.
[ She's quiet for a moment. ]
What was it that you told me once? 'The mind of the all is the womb of the universe'?
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He relaxes when she moves to sit again.]
Yeah. It may be inevitable but I still need to atone for it.
[Iggy nods.]
Yes. Something my folks would say.
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[He sips his own tea.]
I think that we are. Together, I mean. It's... when we came back from the caves, I tried to apologise to the Duchess on behalf of all the Void Touched. She told me that we'd made it very clear that we are not unified.
That was pretty depressing to hear. But I still think that like it or not we are bound by what we are.
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That's human nature, isn't it?
[ Even the Duchess's people were no longer unified. Who was that woman to talk? ]
For as long as there is a self, we choose to be selfless or selfish. [ Another sip. ] And one isn't necessarily all good or all bad all the time.
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Yeah. I dunno. I feel like... I was in a selfish place before I got here. And now I try not to be like that, but it never seems to be enough. I suppose we should strive to be balanced.
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That's right, Iggy. There are times when being selfless is the right choice. And there are times when you have to think about what's right for you.
I hope this is the path to feeling peace. [ For now. ]
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[Iggy looks at her and smiles brightly.]
Thank you for this. I feel a lot better.
And you know, I think... I think things will get better. I'll atone, and then just focus on the simple things. I have so much to be grateful for.
Including you.
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I'm so grateful for you too, Iggy. You don't know how much you helped me when I felt lonely.
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... Come here.
[ Standing up to be next to him and hug her friend again. ]
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I'll be alright, he thinks. I have friends I can trust and everything is going to be okay.
Poor little lamb.]